The Center of God’s Will
“Welcome to the center of God’s will.” I read those words a year ago today. One of my college professors texted that message to me shortly after I pulled into Detroit. I remember feeling overwhelmed, yet thoroughly excited to be in the place God had asked me to go. I can hardly believe a year has passed since I first entered the Detroit phase of His will for my life. Needless to say, the anniversary has made me do a lot of reflecting. I really wish I could share all the wonderful things Jesus has done for me, but this post would become the length of a short book. So, I will instead try to hit some of the highlights. What better way than to give you a sampling from my photo gallery?
August 2022
This picture was taken within the first month of my move. My cousins were visiting in the area, so they stopped by my apartment. I recall excitedly telling them about my job at Awake Cafe and the opportunities to share Christ with customers. At that point, I was all energy and vision and couldn’t wait to see what ways God was going to work.
Isaiah 55:9 accurately states God’s ways are higher than our own. I had plans to master every skill of a team member at the cafe. I had begun developing a discipleship program for the young girls of my church. I had trips and services scheduled to represent EFM’s ministry in Detroit. My plans would have kept me running non stop; God’s way, however, was completely opposite. My busy life came screeching to a halt in the middle of a shift in October. My body was overwhelmed with dizziness and the beginnings of blackouts. Little did I know that was the start of a journey during which I would lose my ability to walk without assistance, drive, focus my eyes enough to read, or even speak clearly. I was totally caught off guard, but God wasn’t!
November 2022
My symptoms finally landed me in the hospital for four days, which included Thanksgiving Day. I know this picture doesn’t look too sad; my college friend made sure I had a way to celebrate, and celebrate we did! But that doesn’t portray how I felt beforehand when I was alone in the ER all night. I was startled out of sleep one time by a yelling match. I later found out the chaos was caused by a drunk patient, but in the moment, all I could realize was that I was alone and sick in an unfamiliar place. The nagging questions in the back of my mind pushed their way forward and demanded my full attention. I wondered just what was wrong with me, if I would ever be well again, etc. My blood pressure cuff happened to tighten for a routine check and registered the top number at 140. I knew it was still in the safe range, but it is normally under 120. I figured it was elevated because of anxiety, so I turned on the song “I Claim the Blood.” It was like Jesus was right there, reminding me He was in control. After listening to the song twice, my blood pressure cuff tightened again and registered at 120. Perhaps there’s something to the science of blood pressure that I don’t understand that would explain the change, but one thing I do know for sure: Jesus showed up and comforted me to the point of bringing peace to my body.
Another instance of His care stands out to me. Shortly after I got home from the hospital, my neurologist confirmed an autoimmune disease diagnosis. Thankfully, there are many treatments available, but no one wants to hear they have an incurable disease. Although I ultimately trusted God, I couldn’t help but cry out to Him that I was too young to be so sick and how I didn’t understand why I was laid up when I just wanted to be busy serving Him. I told God how disheartened I was and asked Him to send some form of encouragement. Just the next day, He led me to a friend who patiently listened to my frustrations and helped me refocus on the unchanging truth in spite of the unexplainable struggles. Through that, I was particularly reminded that God cares about our heart’s cries. Even when our faith should be stronger, He has compassion on His children and sends the needed help right on time.
December 2022
Thankfully, my body started responding well to treatment. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to go back to work, but I definitely needed something to occupy my mind. That’s when I adopted my dog, Stewart. The funny thing is I had planned on moving to Detroit with a big dog, but because of a last-minute change in housing arrangements, I had to come without pets. Again, God knew what He was doing, even in something so simple! There is no way I could have kept up the care of a big dog, but right when I needed something to keep me busy, the housing situation allowed for a little dog. Although Stewart can be a real troublemaker at times, he is a constant reminder of God’s extra blessings!
At the beginning of the year, I was able to ease my way back into some of my original duties. As I slowly gained strength, God particularly spoke to me about living with open hands. I believe my heart was in the right place, but I wrongfully considered the God-given talents to be “mine.” I saw them simply as abilities He had entrusted to me. However, the experiences of my first year taught me that everything we have (including capabilities) is borrowed. I can’t even walk steadily or talk clearly without God’s help. I am not saying He abandoned me, causing me to get sick. Quite the opposite! He allowed some tough battles in my life and used them to teach me important lessons. I never want to forget those truths and fail to serve humbly.
On the other hand, Jesus emphasized that His love for me does not depend on my effectiveness from the human perspective. All He asks is my obedience. That’s something I can choose to give, no matter where I’m at in life. So giving Him the glory for the good that is accomplished does not mean He disregards our earnest efforts. It means that as long as we give our best and humbly recognize it’s in return to Him, He will multiply it and allow us to be a part of His unstoppable Kingdom!
Let me share one more thing God spoke to me just last week. When we give back to the Lord whatever He has lent to us, there will be times we feel completely empty. Giving to a needy world can be draining. That’s what I was sensing. I had spent a lot of time listening to people, trying to answer their questions, and taking the needs to God in prayer. I told the Lord I felt like I had given until I could give no more. Interestingly, He took me right back to the lessons of this last year by simply asking, “Are you willing to keep giving?” My heart responded with an obedient availability, remembering it’s not my efforts that make the difference. It’s His Spirit, and as long as He pours Himself into me, I’m willing to pour myself out for Him.
This post is more of an unorganized ramble than I prefer to publicize. There’s no particular theme or outline. It’s just highlights that came to mind as I looked through my pictures. It’s less of an update and more of a testimony, but I want to go on record that God is so good! Honestly, when I was reflecting on the past year, my first thoughts were not about MRIs, CAT scans, spinal taps, and transfusions. The theme of my immediate mental reaction was not suffering and confusion. It was the goodness and faithfulness of my Savior! That’s not because I’m so good. It’s because He’s so good!
So, back to the idea of the center of His will. While I’m grateful for healing, that’s not why I say His will is a good place to be. Rather, it’s because I found His will to be sweet and safe, even in the midst of hardships. Looking forward to the next year of serving Him, I will admit there’s a heightened awareness that things can so quickly go wildly awry from what we had planned. Yet, looking forward, I have no fear because looking back, I have no regrets!
June/July 2023
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